Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
