Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't deserve a penis
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
