Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
