EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
