Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
