I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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