You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
