his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
