What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just gargled with NyQuil
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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