He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
