i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
