He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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