I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
