Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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