I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
