I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
