I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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