I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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