I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
