I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
