Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
