tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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