recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
