Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
