I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
