So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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