Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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