i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
