I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why can't burritos get me drunk
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
