I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
