How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
