Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
