My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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