1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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