I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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