I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
