If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
