my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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