I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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