Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
