I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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