woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
MIDGETS
????
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
