Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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