Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
