I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
