Kiss
Puke
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
