When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
