i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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