It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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