your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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