Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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